Funny Quotes About Life

1,345 Funny Quotes


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Funny Quotes About Life

''100% of the shots you don't take don't go in.'' By Wayne Gretzky

''A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.'' By Fred Allen, US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

''A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.'' By Bertrand Russell, British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970)

''Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.'' By Oscar Wilde, Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

''Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.'' By Edgar Bergen, (Charlie McCarthy), US comedian & ventriloquist (1903 - 1978)

''Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' till you can find a stick.'' By Wynn Catlin

''English - Who needs that? I'm never going to England.'' By Homer Simpson

''Ever notice that Soup For One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?.'' By Elayne Boosler

''Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.'' By John Fitzgerald Kennedy

10.

''From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.'' By Groucho Marx, US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 - 1977)

11.

''Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.'' By Zenna Schaffer

12.

''He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.'' By Joseph Heller, Catch-22, US novelist (1923 - )

13.

''Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.'' By Redd Foxx, US comedian (1922 - 1991)

14.

''Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned.'' By George Bernard Shaw

15.

''Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't.'' By Richard Bach

16.

''Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?'' By Dick Clark

17.

''Humor is just another defense against the universe.'' By Mel Brooks, US actor, comedian, & movie director (1926 - )

18.

''I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.'' By Oscar Wilde, Irish dramatist, novelist, & poet (1854 - 1900)

19.

''I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.'' By Richard Diran

20.

''I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.'' By Jackie Mason, US comedian (1934 - )

21.

''I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.'' By Fred Allen, US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

22.

''I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.'' By Adrienne E. Gusoff, US teacher, humorist and greeting card writer

23.

''I have the answer in my head. I just haven't found it yet.'' By Unknown

24.

''I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, or a game of fake heart attack.'' By Demetri Martin

25.

''I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.'' By Henny Youngman, US (English-born) comedian (1906 - 1998)

26.

''I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.'' By Woody Allen, US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

27.

''If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?.'' By Steven Wright, US comedian and actor (1955 - )

28.

''If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?'' By Unknow

29.

''If everything is coming your way you're in the wrong lane!.'' By Unknown

30.

''If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?.'' By Steven Wright, US comedian and actor (1955 - )

31.

''If you do it you'll regret it, if you don't do it you'll regret it, either way your going to regret it, you might as well just do it.'' By Unknown

32.

''Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.'' By H. L. Mencken, US editor (1880 - 1956)

33.

''Imitation is the sincerest form of television.'' By Fred Allen, US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

34.

''Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought, particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.'' By Woody Allen, US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

35.

''Judge me all you want, but keep the verdict to yourself.'' By Unknown

36.

''Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.'' By Victor Borge, US (Danish-born) comedian & pianist (1909 - 2000)

37.

''Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.'' By Soren Aabye Kierkegaard

38.

''Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you'll be right.'' By Unknown

39.

''Living in a vacuum sucks.'' By Adrienne Gusoff

40.

''Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.'' By Groucho Marx, US comedian with Marx Brothers (1890 - 1977)

41.

''Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn very briefly.'' By Stephen R. Covey

42.

''My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.'' By Steven Wright, US comedian and actor (1955 - )

43.

''Never go to bed mad. Stay up and plot your revenge.'' By Unknown

44.

''Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein.'' By Joe Theismann, Former quarterback

45.

''On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.'' By Woody Allen, Without Feathers, US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

46.

''Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'' By Albert Einstein, US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)

47.

''Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.'' By Jane Wagner

48.

''Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.'' By Josh Billings, US Humorist (1818 - 1885)

49.

''Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.'' By Ann Landers, US advice columnist (1918 - 2002)

50.

''Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.'' By Fred Allen, US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

51.

''Television is the triumph of machine over people.'' By Fred Allen, US radio comedian (1894 - 1956)

52.

''Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect - But tell me the truth.'' By Shel Silverstein

53.

''The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool.'' By Jane Wagner

54.

''The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.'' By Desmond Morris

55.

''The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.'' By Albert Einstein, US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)

56.

''The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.'' By Woody Allen, US movie actor, comedian, & director (1935 - )

57.

''The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.'' By Mark Russell, US comedian, political commentator, & satirist (1932 - )

58.

''There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'' By Douglas Adams, English humorist & science fiction novelist (1952 - 2001)

59.

''To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.'' By Joan Klempner

60.

''We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.'' By Jeff Marder

61.

''When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.'' By Unknown

62.

''When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.'' By Unknown

63.

''When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.'' By Thomas Jefferson